Know your Manhood - Part III

BODY AND INTERIOR SPECIFICATIONS (all model years) Part III

Downloaded from: http://www.vasectomy-information.com/humor/manual.htm Illustrated with downloads from the world wide web of porn

Edited to fit the Gay Man’s lifestyle…

MAINTENANCE SCHEDULE

Your privates are the result of centuries of engineering. Before leaving the factory, every effort was made to ensure that they were in good working condition. To keep them running smoothly regular maintenance is required.

TO BE DONE DAILY

It's especially important for uncircumcised men to retract the foreskin and wash around the head of the penis every day.

TO BE DONE WEEKLY (AT LEAST)

Sex is the best exercise for your privates. Regularly flushing the system with nourishing blood and oxygen assures optimum sperm production, prostate health and overall good performance. When intercourse is not possible, consider revving your engine manually.

TO BE CHECKED MONTHLY

After taking a warm bath or shower to relax the scrotum, you should gently roll each testicle between your fingers. It should be smooth and oval shaped, feeling kind of like a hard-boiled egg without the shell. Compress it gently, searching for any hard areas or lumps that don't feel like the surrounding tissue.

YEARLY INSPECTION

Once your equipment reaches forty years old, have your prostate checked annually. This gland surrounds the urethra like a doughnut and, if left to enlarge, can reduce an older man's urine stream to a dribble.

Prostate cancer is also a concern. Both of these problems can be avoided if detected early.

A complete yearly inspection should include three things: A digital rectal exam (sorry mate but we're talking finger here, not computer). A blood test for prostate-specific antigens (psa), an early warning sign of trouble. An ultrasound scan to create a visible image of the tissue.

WARNING!
Using your privates for anything other than their intended purpose voids all warranties, written or implied.

SERVICING

The frequency of ejaculation/Intercourse among:-

20-29 year olds = 4-5 times weekly
30-39 year olds = 2-4 times weekly
40-49 year olds = 1-2 times weekly
50-59 year olds = 0-1 times weekly
60 plus = 1-2 times monthly
Shagnasty = 5 times daily! (Oh Yes my friends)

AUTOMATIC SYSTEMS CHECK

Each night, your privates automatically run a self-diagnostic systems check. Most times you will be unaware this is happening. Periodic erections will occur whilst you're asleep, as will an occasional emission. Do not be alarmed. Your privates are simply flushing themselves with fresh blood and oxygen to stay in optimum working condition. If you have a reasonable doubt this is happening, do the following test: Wrap some postage stamps from a roll firmly around the base of your penis and tape the ends together. The next morning, if the stamps are torn along the perforation, you've had an erection. (If you wake up in Newcastle sorting office with a postmark, try the test again, but don't sleep so close to the post-box.)

FLUID LEAKS

After urinating, apply gentle upward pressure under the base of the penis. This will usually squeeze out any remaining drops and prevent any embarrassing stains on the upholstery.

CHECKING UNDER THE BONNET

Your penis comes from the factory with its head completely covered by a fleshly protective foreskin. Some penis owners have had this foreskin surgically removed by an authorized mechanic via circumcision. This is usually performed for religious and/or aesthetic reasons because, if basic hygiene is followed, the presence or absence of a bonnet does not affect sensitivity, sexual performance or susceptibility to mechanical failure.

LUBRICATION ADDING OIL

For extra comfort and performance during long drives or when operating your penis in extremely dry conditions, you'll need to relube. Brands such as K-Y Jelly can be reactivated with a simple spritz of water.

DISPOSING OF USED OIL

When indiscriminately discarded, used oil can foul the bedroom environment. Flavored lubes leave a sticky residue the required a soap-and-water scrubbing. Most no flavored brands wipe clean with a towel.

APPEARANCE

Your privates are exposed to the corrosive effects of dirt, perspiration and vaginal fluids (some of which in my experience can be more corrosive than others). To protect the finish, trim and exposed under body , it's important to wash often and thoroughly. Scrub any dirt and salt from crevices in the undercarriage and check that all drain holes are free from debris. After washing, allow all surfaces to drain and dry before parking in a confined space. If required you may polish your privates immediately.

MINOR CHIPS AND SCRATCHES

The skin of the penis and testicles is remarkably resilient. For chafing and small cuts that cause minimal bleeding, just wash with soap and water and apply an antiseptic ointment.

MAJOR DENTS

If you get hit in the testicles, scream, lie down, apply an ice-packed cloth and take some deep breaths. If there's swelling and the pain doesn't subside within a few minutes, continue the icing and get to a garage and seek mechanical assistance. A severe groin injury can cause sterility.

TROUBLESHOOTING

The diagnoses outlined are intended to serve only as guides to locate and temporarily correct minor faults or worries. Causes of unsatisfactory performance should be investigated and corrected by your doctor.

PROBLEM	SOLUTION
Penis seems small.	Few men are satisfied with the size of their penis.
Left testicle is slightly larger and hangs lower than the right one.	Rarely are both testicles identical. In fact, the left one hangs lower in 80 percent of all cases.
Erections do not occur as quickly, nor are they as firm as they were.	This is common with older models. However, exercising regularly, following a low-fat diet, avoiding smoking and limiting alcohol are all antidotes, as is longer and more creative foreplay.
Ejaculation happens way to fast.	Try strengthening your PC muscle with Kegel exercises. The PC is the muscle you use to stop urine flow. Contract it now to familiarize yourself with the feeling. What you just did was a Kegel. Do 20, 50, 100 or more daily - at your desk or in the bath. Since it's the same muscle that contracts for ejaculation, strengthening it will give you more control during sex.
Ejaculation isn't as forceful or as plentiful as it once was.	Such misfiring often occurs with older engines. In fact, with vintage models, ejaculation may not occur at all, although an orgasm is experienced.
Pain in testicle.	Intermittent twinges are common, and anything that lasts less than a minute or so is no cause for worry. Testicular pain that builds gradually is usually caused by an infection or inflammation. Consult a certified mechanic or authorized dealership.

AVAILABLE OPTIONS/UPGRADES - Customise your privates to fit all your lifestyle needs

VASECTOMY

Enjoy worry-free motoring by having a trained technician cut the Vas Deferens, thereby preventing sperm from reaching the urethra. It's a safe quick (seven to ten minute), effective means of birth control, plus the sensation of ejaculation remains unchanged. Available in traditional snip or modern laser. To find out more, visit our vasectomy FAQ

TESTOSTERONE

Preserve the raw beauty of your libido with testosterone! This potent male hormone, manufactured chiefly in the testicles, is responsible for your sexual desire and, to some degree, your erections. But production declines after age 50. Some men, who have no physical problems but experience flagging desire, may benefit from testosterone supplements, which can be taken orally through a skin patch or injection.

PENIS ENLARGEMENT

Gain valuable inches by expanding your trunk! Body-Shop mechanics penis appear larger by cutting the ligaments that attach it to the pubic bone. Once this is done, the penis hangs a bit lower and looks larger. In addition body fat can also be injected under the skin of the penile shaft to make it thicker.

WARNING!
Most mechanics do not approve of the enlargement procedure, which compromises the penile suspension system and may undermine resale value. Consumers have reported lack of stability and loss of control when operating at high speeds.

CIRCUMCISION

See "Checking under the bonnet" above.

FORESKIN RESTORATION

For those who have grown unhappy with their circumcised model, Foreskin restoration may be possible. In this Do-It-Yourself procedure, skin from the shaft of the penis is gradually stretched with tape and even weights until it allegedly resembles a normal foreskin.

WARNING!
Foreskin will not be restored to showroom condition.

PENILE IMPLANTS

If you have chronic difficulty getting an erection and other impotence treatments have failed, consider the new line of deluxe penile implants. These are cylinders that are surgically placed inside the penis to make it firm enough for intercourse. Two models are available. A non-hydraulic implant consists of a pair of flexible silicone rods that can be bent up or down by hand. It's the simplest design, but since the penis remains semi-rigid, some men find it difficult to wear Chinos. A hydraulic implant includes a pair of hollow rods, a reservoir of saline solution and a pump, all concealed within the body. For an erection you simply squeeze your scrotum to inflate the penis.

HAPPY OWNERSHIP!

Downloaded from: http://www.vasectomy-information.com/humor/manual.htm Illustrated with downloads from the world wide web of porn

Edited to fit the Gay Man’s lifestyle…